somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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