I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
