My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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