hotel room ftw
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
