nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
