I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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