Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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