just tell him i said nine months
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
