Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
