ya dads aren't the best wingmen
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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