So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
