the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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