why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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