They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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