and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
