I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
