he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
