did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You can't motorboat a personality
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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