i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
