shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I will be naked everywhere
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
