Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
