It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
