Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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