Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
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