Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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