when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
