Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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