Please, let me fuck your mom
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
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