im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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