Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
