The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
