I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
