Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
