I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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