I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
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I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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