I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
