But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
