life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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