I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
