Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
