gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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