took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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