quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
