How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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