I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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