Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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