I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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