I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
