You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
