just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
