She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
