I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
