I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize