So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Sorry about my life...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
