I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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