you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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