I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
