Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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