When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
