She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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