Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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