im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
